Category: Partial Perspective Vortex

One god further

There is a certain sense of safety, security, and comfort that those who believe in a loving God retain in their lives even amid great change and uncertainty. Just knowing that God is there, that He is aware of you, that He loves you, and that He knows the trials and tribulations you are currently facing will ultimately prove to have been for your good … how can that not help you face whatever comes with anything but hope and optimism and added strength? And conversely, how can you face even small difficulties in life if you lack the conviction that it all means something, that it will all work out in the end, that somehow God will even the score, even if it has to wait until the next life? That’s one of the more difficult questions that I’m asked, and because of everything that I’ve lost when I lost my belief in God, this has left the biggest hole and I still find myself mourning it from time to time.

Yet I have found a place I’m comfortable with. Perhaps it’s not quite Abraham’s bosom. Perhaps it’s not even the location of my final destination in my relationship with deity. But it’s a place that I’m comfortable with today, from which I can face each new day that comes with a sense of optimism and hope. At least for now, it’s my view of Life, the Universe, and Everything. If you’ve got a few minutes, I’d love to share it with you.

Continue reading “One god further”

Being me

One of the perhaps surprising elements of rejecting the tenets of a religion that I have ardently believed all of my life is that I have felt a little lost lately. I find it difficult if I try to discuss this with anyone, since almost everyone I know well enough to have deeply personal discussions like this is a member of the religion that I abandoned, and at any sign of potential weakness, they seem quick to jump on me about how they knew I would eventually come to regret my decision. I want to be honest and sincere with them, but I hate to feel I am giving them ammunition that they are only too happy to use against me.

In addition, I’m not entirely sure myself of how I feel. I have known my entire life how I was supposed to view the world, how I was supposed to think about sin and righteousness, how I was supposed to act in just about any situation. I no longer have that understanding. I no longer know at a glance what to think about things, and that often includes what to think about myself.

Continue reading “Being me”

Edible insects

In most parts of the world, insects constitute just another category of the many dietary options available to people. In some cultures, in fact, insects are considered delicacies, and rather than being quickly swallowed with a pinched nose when other food sources are not available, they are sought after, prized, and savored.

There’s a word for it, of course. Entomophagy. The dictionary definition of the word is, unsurprisingly: the savage practice of eating what no civilized person would ever consider food. Yes, the thought of it grosses me out. Yes, on a very cerebral level, I understand that it shouldn’t bother me at all. But when it comes to images of, for example, furry little spiders with too-tickly legs briefly deep-fried to get a crispy exterior and a sensuously juicy taste explosion after that first crunch, I can’t quite seem to envision myself making the transition from squeamishly eyeing the little critter on a plate to actually picking it up, tilting my head back, and dropping it down the hatch.

Continue reading “Edible insects”

A new beginning

My wife and I are separated. I know. It seems like a very sudden departure from my earlier thoughts about our marriage. Until you realize it’s been over three months since last I wrote here. I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to keep the writing going during that time. There were quite a few pivotal events that turned things around, and one of those, unfortunately, was the discovery of this blog by Wife.

We had been talking about being completely open and honest. I hadn’t been telling her anything without her asking about it first, but I had agreed that I would answer all questions completely honestly. It surprised me, then, when seemingly out of nowhere she asked if I had a blog that she didn’t know about. Yes. Deep breath. Yes, I do. What is it called? Oh, boy.

Continue reading “A new beginning”

The End

Death. It comes at the most inconvenient times. It was about a year ago, I think. I was driving to work. It was a beautiful morning. Most of my drive to work is freeway. The traffic usually isn’t bad. On the morning in question, I saw a few police cars stopped in the median, their lights flashing. As I passed them, I noticed a small pickup truck also sitting in the median. It was pointed in the opposite direction from the way I was going. Policemen were standing around the vehicle, and a man was seated behind the wheel, his face calm in the brief glimpse I had of him.

But it was obvious from the damage to the pickup that the vehicle had rolled. And I had no proof of it, but I had a sense that the man behind the wheel had died or was at the very least seriously injured. I drove the rest of the way to work thinking about that unknown man. Thinking about his day. How normal it was. And how quickly it had changed.

Continue reading “The End”

Indoctrination

Education Week. Once a year Brigham Young University hosts a week-long indoctrination extravaganza lovingly referred to as Education Week. My wife told me that this year, over 21,000 people took advantage of this opportunity to come to the BYU campus in Provo, Utah, and learn from gifted scholars and speakers about the finer points of Mormonism.

My wife, my oldest son, and my mother. They were just three on campus this week. Yesterday my wife exuberantly said, “You have to come.” And I emphatically said, “No.” And my mother also said, “You have to come.” And I also told her, “No.” So why am I here?

Continue reading “Indoctrination”

Saint

I no longer believe in God, but I still believe in Saints. I believe in Saints because I’ve met one. (Note to God: hint, hint.) Last night this Saint hung out at my house and fell asleep on my couch. Yeah, Saints do that sort of thing, I guess. You can’t begrudge a Saint a little rest every now and again. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The Saint came over to my house not to sleep on my couch but to join us for Family Home Evening.

Family Home Evening is, by prophetic decree, a mandatory weekly activity for Mormons. Every Monday night is set aside as Family Home Evening. It’s a time for the family to block out the influences of the outside world and spend some time bonding together as a family. Gospel instruction, wholesome entertainment, games and other activities, songs, and ideally a really yummy dessert generally constitute the bulk of the practical application of Family Home Evening. Different families will institute this differently, but our family usually follows a fairly standard sequence of events for most Family Home Evening nights.

Continue reading “Saint”

Hallucinations

In the past few days I read something that I thought was rather interesting. Hallucinations are not uncommon in the tapestry of human life. While there are always the lurid cases of people with schizophrenia or other mental illnesses, hallucinations aren’t restricted to just that segment of the population. In fact, it is quite normal for everybody to hallucinate at some point in their life. The hallucinations don’t have to be full-on false visions. It can be something as seemingly benign as hearing a voice. But when our perceptions deceive the mind into seeing or hearing or experiencing something that didn’t happen, that’s called a hallucination.

I suppose it caught my attention because I’ve had a series of hallucinations recently. They bothered me a little bit, especially when one followed another, and I only remember one or two other times in my life where I’ve experienced anything I would attribute to hallucination. I was hesitant to write about them here, because I don’t think I’m going crazy, and I certainly don’t want you, dear reader, to think I’m going crazy, either. But when I read that it is not necessarily abnormal to hallucinate from time to time, I thought to myself: Okay, I’m game; I’ll share.

Continue reading “Hallucinations”

Inner child

I was told by my energy healer / counselor that I need to spend some time with me as a little kid. The version of me who felt alone and unloved and unworthwhile. Not a ton of time, just a few minutes every day. I’ve been trying to do that, and I thought I’d share with you how that was going.

I imagine in my mind this adorable little kid. You know, because of course I was adorable. And his eyes are sad. I wrap him up in my arms and tell him how much I love him. How great he is. What a marvelous future he has ahead of him. His unlimited potential. I’m practically crying because I know how much this must mean to him.

Continue reading “Inner child”

Camping

My family went camping recently. Sometimes it’s really nice to get away from it all. Connect more with nature. Breathe fresh air. Enjoy campfires and camp cooking. Sleep in the cool night air. Turn off the electronics.

Well, not all the electronics. Cell phones seem like a must, even while camping. And the spot we picked was chosen particularly because it had cell service. Cell service, but no electrical power. And that’s where the problem began.

Continue reading “Camping”